Ya know, the more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. Those bastards read my journal cover to cover, soaking in every tid-bit of what I don't like about this place, and put me in the place where most of my dislikes come together. This place is run by a bunch of masochistic fucks and I don't at all mind saying so. What else can they do to me?!
They've don all they can do. And they still haven't stopped me. Dave's right. Now I have something to write about. Before, I was just telling my day to day feelings. Not much different than any other journal, just that it happens to take place in jail. But now I'm pissed. Pissed at this whole situation.
Because I chose to keep an online journal, these people take away what limited freedom I have and almost certainly took away my family's livelyhood. WHY? Because I told the truth? Because some people out there are curious to know what goes on inside these walls? I can't believe they tried to file charges. Let alone FEDERAL charges against me for speaking the TRUTH. For a while I hoped they would. I'd love to see that backfire in their faces.
Well, as bad as I felt before, I feel worse now. Remember when I talked about keeping this whole thing a secret so I wouldn't disappoint my parents? Well, that part is through. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. She would've wondered why I didn't call, so I KNEW I was screwed. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt either of my parents. But I had no choice.
I picked up the phone and dialed. Finally my mom answered. She accepted charges, and was curious as to why I called collect. In the best way I could, I told her I was in jail. Although the phones in this place are very substandard, I could plainly hear my mom's heart break. I thought she was going to cry. She listened as I told her the hwole story about my arrest in June, court, the journal, and how I lost my work release. She held her composure, but I'd say she's playing the events back in her head as I write this, and with each replay, she's getting more and more upset. She asked how I could do this. How I could be so careless with two little girls that depend on me. I almost pointed out that there was only one little girl at the time, but realized that would be pointless. Her meaning was the same despite the fact.
I really wish my dad had been there. For one, mom didn't need to hear that alone, and also it would've been nice to tell them both at once instead of having to repeat myself later. My dad will be very angry when mom tells him. Almost furious. Then he will calm down and that anger will transform into disappointment. I'd rather him be angry. When he's angry and yells at me, I can build a defensive attitude to block out the hurt of the argument. But disappointment is diffenent. I have no defense against it. And disappointment is exactly what I'll hear in his voice when I call back. And yet the greatest loss here is not mine, but his. He just lost the son he was proud of. Now he has the son who can't stop fucking up.
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