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Day 4

Monday, Febuary 7, 2000

4:00 found breakfast with more nasty-assed grits. There was a mystery sausage product that was interesting, but rather than trying to figure out its animal(s) of origin, I just opted to break it up and place it in the grits.

7:00. Time for the roof. By this time, I have established that the guy who playes basketball by himself while reciting baptist church sermons laces with cuss words is pretty much insane, or trying to pretend he's insane. The other two from my cell, Urkel and the hair guy, Lamar, both went up with me once again, and this time we were graced byt the presence of Montana as well. Then there was this short guy with a black eye. He was from another cell block, and I had heard stories about this guy. He kept telling everyone he had the biggest balls of anyone in there. He was so full of shit he made ME constipated. He said he was from Detroit, his car got stolen as he was passing through town on his way to California to make movies. Then he said he knew the law, because he was going to law school in California. Then he said he was going to sue our city for arresting him. Apparently, someone told him he was full of shit, he strarted a fight, and lost. There are a lot of stupid people in jail.

Which brings me to Montana. I call him that because of HIS story. It started off nornal enough. He was in for forgery, which was a bullshit charge because he only endorsed the check, and the fact that it was a stolen check went on the guy who wrote it TO him, not he himself, who just happened to be trying to cash it. Without ID. But ot gets much better...

He had been living with his Auntie in a teepee in Montana. The door was made from a Tennessee flag, which was better than most other state flegs because of the way it kept the cold air out in the winter. While playing in the woods one day near Auntie's teepee, he found an electric wire. It was live. He also found a live phone wire, just lying on the ground. SO naturally, he tapped into both and ran them to Auntie's teepee so she had phone and electricity. (Since he had no idea where the cables came from, or went to, he obviously didn't cut the power before he spliced into them and ran them into Auntie's teepee.) As for pets, he has a bear, a wolf, a mountain lion, a bobcat, and an eagle. He was also A Navy Seal, as well as an Army Ranger. I figured he may have also been a cub scout, since he had three of their four ranks as pets.

Jail. For being a boring place there's seldom a dull moment. After my time on the roof, I stayed up a while in the main room of our block. I had run a while while was up there, and was feeling a good healthy burn in my legs. I don't work out.very much. In fact, with my busy schedule of work, school, and family, I hardly exercise at all. So I took this opportunity to do a few push ups and sit ups. I made animportant self discovery today. I am a wuss. I could only do ten pushups at once. I could only do 20 situps. Try as I might, it was pretty pathetic.

Thankfully there was nobody up at this time of the morning to see my wimpy attempt at exercise. On one hand, I DO weigh 240 pounds, which is an awful lot of weight for a pair of arms to lift off the ground a consecutive number of times. On the other, I should be able to lift my own weight regardless. I think my body grew bigger and my arms forgot to follow suit. Anyway, this is something I plan to work on.

Lunch was uneventful, as was dinner. I got to know the Harley dude a little better. His name is Mike and he is in for a broken taillight. They searched his car and found three guns. All were unloaded, one fully disassembled, two in zipper sealed pistol pouches. They arrested him for unlawful posession of a firearm.

He's also a very talented tattoo artist. He did all the work on his left arm, as well as his legs. He told me storiesa about all the different kinds of peoiple who come in his shop to get tattoos. We also talked family. He has a wife and two daughters, like me. His girls are 10 and 6, buit family life is about the same. He calls his wife ans kids daily, as do I. This was another misconceptionI had about life behind bars. I imagined two big burly looking long haired guys like mike and I behind bars, but I didn't expect they wouls be talking about missing their kids and their favorite bedtime stories and such. In fact, after we finished our talk, I went and called home.

Later that night, around my two year old's bedtime, I called and read her a bedtime story. See, when I'm home, I always help her with our nightly ritual of putting toys away, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, reading stories, turning off the lights, and going to bed. She loves books by Sandra Boynton. If you have kids, I whole heartedly recommend her work. this one I have memorized, so I recited it to her over the phone as my wife turned the pages. I would even pause and my daughter would finish the sentence. She is so cute.

Goodnight Sweetheart!

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