Day 22

Friday, Febuary 25, 2000

Another rather nondescript day. I got up, went to work, came back, went to bed. Great reading, huh?

Actually it was somewhat better than that. I got to chill at work today, we were somewhat slow for whatever reason. Surprising, but definately not a bad thing. I finished up Thursday's entry, complete with pictures, and posted it. I read all my e-mails and responded, and I also had the opportunity to do some much needed updates to my other journal. As you can imagine, I've been neglecting it somewhat.

Here's something that's been bugging me. Connection speed. Where I live now, I have a cable modem. Yes, I pay $50.00 a month, but DAMN!! It flat out BLISTERS! I don't know how I could go back to a dial up with a maximum of 56K that only hits 50K on a rare GOOD day. My hometown doesn't have cable modems, so I started looing for alternatives. I think the OC-12 is the connection for me. OK, OK, It's a JOKE!!

For those that don't know, an OC-12 connects at roughly 655 MBps)

I need to check prices on an ISDN and DSL connection. Someday I'd like to have enough web design and maintenance accounts to justify doing my own web hosting, and making anough to have my very own T1 connection, but that's a far cry from reality at the moment.

All shucks, ya gotta dream!

Before I crashed like a ton of bricks this evening, I stopped and had a chat with Paul. We talked about the guards and their searches. We heard that a few weeks ago, one of the work release guys got caught sneaking liquor into the jail. Not into the dorm area, but into the front room and locker area.

See, when we come in after work, we come in the front doors and get buzzed through another door into a hallway. At the end of that hallway, we wait. Shortly after hell freezes over, the guard buzzes us into a big room with plastic chairs. This is where we wait as we come and go every morning and evening. we go to the little window similar to the ticket booth of a movie theatre and sign in. After another good healthy wait, we are buzzed into another hallway where we "assume the position" and get patted down, or frisked, as some say. Then we go to our lockers where we put put away our street clothes and get our scrubs and slippers. We don't dress, we just dress in our boxers and carry our jail clothes out into the hallway where we wait to go into the next room one at a time.

Upon entering the next room, we place our clothes on a counter. We strip naked, turn around, squat and cough, then go and get dressed in the next room as the next inmate comes in for his search. After dressing we go into another hall where we wait quietly in a line until everyone is searched. Then we're buzzed through another door and sent marching back to our dorm.

Ever since that guy got busted with the liquor, the guards have started patting us down between the waiting room and the locker.

Today's guard is fed up with the pat down search. As he went down the line, his search became less and less thorough. By the time he got to me he was saying how sick he was of these searches. His search of Paul and I consisted of a pat on the back. He didn't even make us squat and cough. He said he was sick of looking at assholes. "Assholes WITH assholes", is how he put it. Not all guards are like that.

One guard we'll call "Big Mac". He is considered by the inmate population to be the biggest asshole of them all. He LOVES to bitch at you. He'll bitch one way or the other. On the strip search, most guards make you quickly drop your shorts to youe knees as you squat down, then stand and pull up your shorts. The whole process takes less than a second. Not Big Mac. He has you strip completely - put your boxers on the counter, stand there sompletely naked, spread your arms and legs apart, open your mouth, stick out your tongue, lift your nuts, turn, bend over so he's looking not at your ass, but INTO your ASS HOLE, then you cough, get dressed and go on.

He seems to enjoy this.

For that reason, everyone naturally thinks he's a "closet homo," especially those inmates who are openly gay. They insist thet their "Gay-dar" destinctly shows that Big Mac harbors the deep pitted desire to have another man's member in one of his orifices.

Yes, indeed, EVERYONE hates Big Mac. There are lots of stories about him. Some say he's such an ass bedcause he's a SMALL guard. He's not very tall and has a medium build, slender but with some muscles. Some say he's married to a 200 pound woman who has been seen beating the shit out of him in the parking lot as he is dropped off for work. He used to drive to work, they say, that is until his windows were all busted out of his car while he was at work. Nobody ever found out who did it. It could have been any one of the thousands of inmates that have passed through the 600 capasity jail. Maybe THAT'S why he's an ass hole. Maybe if he wasn't such an ass hole, he's still have windows in his car.

Paul and I were talking and I had an idea. Wile inthe locker room, grab a Milk Dud and hold it between the cheeks of your butt. Then when you squat and cough, let the little round chocolate candy drop from your butt onto the floor. The look on the guards face would be worth the time you spend in the hole. You might not even have to go to the hole, if the guard has a sense of humor. Paul and I laughed out loud for several minutes about this.

Sometimes in here you have to find ways to laugh, in spite of yourself.

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